I Am The King of Pasta

Who lost their pasta?

"I'll take pasta any day over a mattress" said the mayor of a rural down in New Jersey after a local resident stumbled upon 500 pounds of pasta that was dumped in the woods.

The pasta was reportedly al dente.

The man who discovered the literal pile of pasta in the woods was out on a "walk and a smoke," and I choose to believe it was not just a cigarette, because can you imagine being blitzed out of your mind on a walk in the woods and suddenly there is a literal 500 pound pile of spaghetti?

What a time to be alive.

Old man puts on hat, says God chose him to rule

An old British man recently put on a crown and began to refer to himself as "King" in the year 2023. This is strange because literally how do we still have royals and why are their heads still attached so securely?

While around 18% of British adults experienced food insecurity as recently as January, Charles (whose honorifics were given by God, according to reports) rode in a literal golden carriage during his coronation, which cost over 125 million British pounds sterling (or about 57 million British kilograms sterling).

Moderna to raise the price of COVID vaccine despite surprisingly high profits already

Moderna, a company that is supposedly interested in public health (spoiler: they are not) is still planning to hike the price of its COVID vaccine in the US to over $100, a 400%+ increase for the vaccine that was produced from publicly funded research.

I'm confused tho because in an earnings call, Moderna confirmed that they raked in profits significantly higher (like, nearly $700 million more) than expectations, yet they "anticipate [their] list price" for the vaccine will still increase significantly.

Incredible wording and I will henceforth say I "anticipate" doing harmful things to other people.

Exoplanets just kinda doing wacky shit

The James Webb Space Peeper has detected what appears to be signs of water vapor around an exoplanet named GJ 486 b (though, her friends just call her GiJi). This is pretty dang notable, because no planet of this composition and placement relative to its star should really have vapor or an atmosphere, per our understanding. So, if this vapor did originate from the planet, we've got some explaining to do.

However, this is just the first detection. It is possible that this vapor came from the nearby star itself, or from something else. We really don't know for sure yet, but the science people will be taking another look using more tools on the ol' James Webb Space Scrying Orb to see if the vapor does, in fact, totally fuck up our understanding of exoplanets.

More Stuff

• There's a lot of garbage going on about the US debt ceiling discussions and while it probably don't happen, we may default on our debt which would basically plunge us into chaos
• More mass shootings than is reasonable to report on (thats 9 in 3 days)
• Shopify is laying off 20% of its staff
• The leader of the Oath Keepers (fascist militia) is facing 25 years in prison for organizing an armed insurrection
• Over 1,000 people have been rescued from a trafficking operation where they were forced to run call center scams in the Phillipines
• About half of original Twitter Blue subscribers have already dropped it
• The WHO is declaring the end of the COVID emergency